If Only
by EmperorXeroKi
Summary: I held back these feeling for you. If only I didn't...then maybe things would be more different. If only... THIS IS MY FIRST LOVE LIVE FANFIC AND IT WAS A LITTLE RUSHED, BUT I DID IT ANYWAYS. CHARACTERS AND ANIME BELONGS TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS.


**So here is my first Love Live fanfic. I'm not really sure how it is so I'll let you people decide. I have a really hard time deciding an OTP since you can pair almost any character with anyone. Anyways~ I know I should be writing for Forget Me Not (or more so my PSY paper), but for some odd reason I've been reading a lot of fanfics for Love Live. I hope everyone had a good day on Single Awareness Day (for anyone who is single *cough cough* me) and Valentine's Day (for anyone who is not *don't lie to me either or I will find you and use my Geass on you to reveal the truth*). Well I hope you enjoy this.**

**-Zero**

* * *

If Only

"Hey Umi-chan...you love her don't you? Honoka."  
"Huh!? What!? Kotori, w-what makes you think that!?"  
"The lyrics you wrote, you're always glancing her way when you write them."  
"Oh...really...?" The amber eyed girl looked at the navy hair girl in the eyes and gave her a small, yet sad, smile.  
"It's not hard to notice." she replied "You always look her way when we're together."  
"Hey...Kotori...why would you bring this up all of a sudden?" Honey brown eyes averted away from amber orbs, wanting to avoid the topic. If this conversation went any further would she be able to hold back her feelings for that special someone.  
"Because I love her too...more than a friend..." As the words slipped through her lips all time stopped moving for Umi. Her heart ceased to continue beating after hearing those words. Oh how much she wished she never heard those words.  
"So what are you going to do...?" Umi's question came out like a whisper, so cold and distant, but her mind was racing like madman.  
"I guess we'll just have to see what happens, right? But I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I wanted to tell you this because you're important to me too." Kotori gave a bright smile to her, trying to stray the conversation away from becoming awkward.  
"I'd hate for that to happen, especially after everything we've been through."  
"Yeah, me too."  
"Hey hey, Kotori~, Umi~, let's go meet up with everyone!" Out of nowhere the person who was the cause of the serious talk bursted through the doors. Completely oblivious to the atmosphere their childhood friend walked up to them with a beaming smile without a care in the world.  
"Honoka-chan! You scared me."  
"Sorry~. I didn't mean to Kotori. Anyways come on let's go! Everyone's waiting!"  
"Honoka, don't you have others things to be doing besides playing? For example, studying." Umi gave the ginger hair girl a stern look, disapproving of her playful attitude.  
"Ehhh~ you're such a bad sport Umi. Come on Kotori let's leave her behind."  
"Eh!?" Honoka took hold of Kotori's hand and pulled her out of the classroom and stuck out a playful tongue. "Honoka-chan, wait!"  
Hand in hand they ran down the hallway leaving their friend behind. Umi sighed to herself as she gathered her and Kotori's belongings. Her mind and thoughts were a mess. All she wanted to do now was head home, but she didn't want to disappoint her friends for not showing up so she decided to follow them. Taking one last look behind her shoulder Kotori's words replayed in her mind like a broken record.  
'Because I love her too...more than a friend.'  
Another sigh escaped Umi's lips as she walked down the vacant hallway.  
'If you only knew...' she thought to herself 'If only...'

* * *

"Kotori-chan, I love you! Will you go out with me!?"  
Umi held her breath as she hid behind the classroom door. She had forgotten her notebook in her desk back in the classroom and was going to retrieve it, but in the process almost walked in on Honoka's confession.  
'No, please stop! Please don't say it!'  
"Yes...I will. I love you too Honoka-chan!"  
Umi took off running. She didn't care about about her notebook anymore; all she wanted was to forget what she heard back there.  
'Run.' That was all she could think. Before she realized it she was on the ground with scratches on her knees. Her tears had forsaken her as they streamed down from her eyes. Her chest was in pain. So much pain. The overwhelming emotion was uncontrollable.  
"I hate this feeling...but I hate myself more..."

* * *

Months have passed, seasons have gone, and a new year has come. Honoka and Kotori had long told their group that they have started dating. Everyone was happy for them, but Kotori was more worried about how Umi had taken the news. Although she has been told before that she had a bad poker-face she managed to hide her true feelings. The trio's time spent together had somewhat changed since Umi didn't want to be in the way of the couple...or was it because she didn't want to be the third wheel...she has long forgotten the real reason why.  
It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and to whole group was hanging out in the clubroom. There was nothing to do, but nobody wanted to go home yet. Nozomi and Eli were taking care of student council business and were absent at the moment so the only ones in the room where the first and second year tiros along with Nico.  
"Hey Honoka..."  
"What's up Nico-chan?"  
"Have you and Kotori kissed yet?" The question caused the Kotori to choke on the tea she was drinking while Honoka fell out of her chair. Rin and Hayano smiled at the couple's reaction and Maki seem to slightly blush at the question. Umi was unfazed by everything and continued to stare out the window hoping the rain would let down a little so she could go home.  
"W-what's with you all of a sudden asking a question like that?" Honoka replied back.  
"What's wrong, you've both been dating for a while now. You must have at least kissed by now, right?"  
"Hahaha..." Honoka tried to avert her eyes from Nico's gaze and Kotori tried to hide her embarrassed face.  
"Really!? You really haven't kissed yet!? Oh~, wait till Nozomi hears about this!"  
"I got an idea nya~! Why don't we play the King's Game nya~!"  
"What does this have to do with those two idiots kissing?"  
"Well we can somehow make them kiss by playing the King's Game nya~. Remember, the King's word is absolute nya~!"  
"You know Rin, that doesn't sound like a bad idea."  
"Wait are we really going to play!?"  
"What's wrong Maki are you scared of seeing two people kiss?" Nico teased the red head for trying to stop them from having fun which resulted in making her blush even harder than before.  
"What if the people we choose aren't Honoka and Kotori!?"  
"Then we'll just have to keep trying nya!"  
"Mou~ Umi say something to stop them!"  
"Isn't it fine."  
"Eh?" Everyone in the room became silent and turned their heads towards the navy hair girl. Did they hear her correctly?  
"Oi oi, has the rain gotten to your head?"  
"No. I don't see a problem with playing the game." Everyone's jaws dropped.  
"Umi...are you sure you're okay?" Honoka slowly tried to approach the girl, but at the same time she was afraid something might happen.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean we just have to get them to kiss right?"  
"Nya~ Kayochin! Umi-chan's broken! What do we do!?" Umi sighed and returned her attention back to the slightly foggy window that was gently touched with rain. She grabbed her belongings and walked towards the door.  
"Sorry, but I just remembered that my mother wanted me to do something for her so I have to go now. See you guys tomorrow." Without waiting for a response she closed the door behind her.  
"What's her problem?"  
"Umi-chan..." Kotori's eyes gazed at the door where Umi had left from. The way Umi acted made her more worried than ever.  
Umi had already made her way down the hallway, but her steps hesitated as she thought about the things she said back there.  
'A kiss...huh'  
"Are you really okay with this?" The random question startled Umi in her deep thoughts.  
"Nozomi!?"  
"Are you okay with the way things are now if you don't tell your feelings?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Umi-chan...you don't have to hide it from me."  
"I'm sorry, but I have to go." Umi walked quickly to avoid the conversation with Nozomi. She didn't want to talk about it. She already decided that her feelings didn't matter anymore, as long as they were happy that was enough for her. Running out of the front doors she realized that she forgotten her umbrella. Not wanting to go back she ran her way through the rain. Every drop felt so painful and cold. Just like the tears she had cried on that day.

* * *

The next day Umi was down with a cold and fever. She laid in bed and internally scolded herself for being so childish and running in the rain. Today she was home alone; her parents had to go and visit some relatives out of town. Although her mother was worried to leave her home alone she managed to convince her mother she would be fine.

*Ring*  
Umi slowly made her way to her front door. When she opened it her eyes made contact with amber colored ones and another pair of blue ones.  
"Kotori. Honoka." Umi was not expecting a visit from any of her friends, especially not Kotori and Honoka. The cold breeze from outside made her wrap her arms around herself and shiver.  
"Umi-chan you shouldn't be out of bed!"  
"Well if I didn't get up, who would open the door for you?"  
"Hehe~ I guess you're right." Honoka smiled.  
"Come in. Is it only you two?" They excused themselves as they stepped into Umi's home and took off their shoes.  
"Yeah. We got a call from your mom and was kind of worried. You shouldn't do things like walking in the rain Umi! It's not like you to do careless things..." Kotori's face was full of concern for Umi, and it made her feel terrible for making her precious friend worry about her.  
"I'm so-" *achoo*  
"Mou~ let's get you back into bed."  
"Okay okay." Honoka took Umi by the arm and they all walked back to her room. She knew what was going to happen next.  
"Hey...Umi-chan?"  
"Hmm."  
"You were kind of acting weird yesterday."  
"Was I?"  
"Yeah you kind of were, but maybe that's because you were feeling sick right?"  
"Hey, Honoka could you go and give me a cup of water." Honoka gave Umi a sloppy salute and did what she was asked. The room was filled with an awkward silence between the two.  
"Please stop!" Kotori's sudden words made Umi jump under her sheets. "I know your hurt because of me. Please stop pretending like it doesn't." Tears fell from Kotori's eyes and gently touched her cheeks. The sight made Umi want to hate herself even more than she did now.  
"I'm over it now. So please," Umi carefully wiped away her tears "don't cry and forget about me being weird yesterday. I just wasn't myself." She gave Kotori a small reassuring smile.  
"But-"  
"I'm kind of hungry. Do you think you can make me something warm to eat?"  
*Sniff* "Okay. I'll be back in a bit."  
As Umi waited for Kotori to return Honoka came back with a cup of water. Thanking her Umi took the medicine that her mother had left for her on her counter. Thirty minutes later Kotori returned with hot porridge that had a nice aroma. Umi sat up in her bed as Kotori came closer with the bowl of food and was ready to take the bowl in her hands until Kotori did the unexpected.  
"Okay Umi-chan, ah~"  
"K-Kotori I can feed myself!" Umi blushed at the gray haired girl. "It's perfectly f-fine."  
"Hehe~ now that's the Umi I know. But I don't mind."  
"But-"  
"Umi...please~" Her puppy eyes made Umi weak in the stomach. There was no way she can get out of this now. All she could do in this situation was sigh.  
"Fine. You win."  
"Yay~ now open wide before it gets too cold." Umi accepted her defeat and opened her mouth as told.  
"Honoka will get jealous."  
"It's fine you need to save your energy, right Kotori!?" Kotori continued to feed Umi until all of the porridge was gone. Afterwards they chatted and watch some television until they had fallen asleep. By the time Umi woke it was already getting late. Kotori rested her head on the edge of her bed while Honoka was laying on the floor, both still asleep.  
"I'm sorry Kotori." Umi softly trail her fingers through Kotori's bangs. The dim sunlight kiss their skins as their interwined shadows were displayed on the walls of her room. Kotori shifted in her sleep and slowly woke from the touch and was greeted with a soft smile.  
"You should both should head home now.  
"Are you sure? We can stay a little longer if you want." Umi shook her head in response.  
"It's fine. I'm starting to feel better anyways."  
"Okay, I'll wake Honoka then."  
After they left Umi returned to her room and slumped againsted her bed. How much longer could she take? How much more could she hide? It won't be long until she lets out her feelings. The day when all will be revealed.

* * *

~Time skip - A new semester begins in a week~

"Are you sure you don't want us to take you?"  
"It's fine. You're both busy." Umi gave her mother a smile as she put her luggage in the trunk of the taxi. "I'll call once I arrive there."  
"Okay. Your father and I will miss you." She gave her daughter a hug before she was to leave to the airport.  
"I'll miss you both too."

* * *

"Kotori-chan! Kotori-chan! Let's hurry; we might catch her before she gets on her flight."  
"Honoka-chan, wait for me!"  
"That little punk is not going to leave until we see her off!"  
"Nico-chan your face is scary!"  
"Kayochin hurry up!"  
"W-wait for me Rin-chan!"  
"Wait everyone let's not get separated!"  
"Eli-chi you're falling behind!"  
The group of friends ran though the airport as the frantically for their friend. Her plane was to leave precisely at 10, and the current time was now 9:50. They were surprised to hear the sudden news (especially since they just learned about it less than an hour ago).  
"Does anyone remember her flight?"  
"Her mom said she should be at Gate 2."  
"Let's hurry before she boards the plane!"  
"Mou~ Umi why didn't you tell us! Prepare yourself when I find you!" Honoka vented out her frustration as Eli and Kotori asked for directions to the Gate.

* * *

She sat at the window and waited for the plane to take off. Her thoughts were filled with the memories of her precious friends and the times that they spent together.  
"I really am an idiot, huh?"

* * *

By the time they arrived at the Gate all passengers had boarded the plane. They missed their chance to say their goodbyes to their friend. Kotori went up to a lady at the Gate and asked to see if she saw Umi. In return she was given a letter that had Umi's handwriting that had Kotori's name signed on it. Without waiting another minute she opened the letter and read the contents it contained.

* * *

_Dear Kotori, __  
__by the time you have received this letter I've probably already boarded my plane to America. Please tell everyone that I'm sorry. I wrote this letter to you because there were some things I've never said that needed to be said and I've always been awkward with letting my feeling out.__  
__Firstly, I hope you and Honoka will be happy together. Make sure you don't spoil her too much in my absence. Second, when you first started dating each other, I'll be honest, I was angry. But do not worry, I was angry at myself not you. Lastly, you were wrong when you guessed about my feelings. True, I do love Honoka, but only as friend. The one who I loved more than anyone was the person who was always next to me. As I wrote the lyrics for songs I would always looke her way as she smiled with someone else. Have you guessed who that person is? If you haven't then that's okay, I'll tell you anyways. That person was you. I know it's too late to tell you this now that you're taken, but I won't feel any better if things are left unsaid.__  
__I love you Kotori._

_Umi Sonoda_

* * *

"Kotori!? Are you okay!? What does it say!?" Everyone looked at her with worried expressions. Drops of water touched the surface of the letter. Tears feel from amber eyes as they finished reading the farewell letter. Kotori's legs had given up on her making her friends worry even more.  
"How could I've been so stupid? You're so unfair Umi." Kotori covered her faced as she cried. No words could express what she felt at the moment and no words could comfort her.

* * *

The plane took off and the airport was getting smaller and smaller from Umi's view. Her thoughts filled her mind wondering if Kotori had recieved the letter.  
'If only I had told you my real feelings maybe things wouldn't be the way they are now. If only I never had lied to you, then maybe we could have had a chance together. If only...'

* * *

**So were you expecting that plot twist. Happy endings are so easy to write, but sad ones can be too. I was listening to JJ Lin's song **_**If Only**_** for the past couple of day and couldn't seem to stop; if you haven't heard it yet and you're interested it's on YouTube. I do not know how long it will take for me to write the next chapter for Forget Me Not, but I am currently working on it. For those who haven't read my others stories feel free to check them out.**

**Until next time… **


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